I'm sorry everyone.

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Costa mesa, California with my team mates stephen, Alasdair, and Jon.  We are here to train, and compete at the worlds.  We planned and booked this trip months ago.   Then, at the ontario open 3 weeks ago, I was kimuraed. 

I have been resting it for the last 2.5 weeks in hopes that it wasn't to badly damaged.   On Thursday, after trying to do some light drilling and being brought to tears trying to get t-shirts on, I decided  to see my physiotherapist.

My physio guy is awesome.  I've be seeing him for my injuries since my judo days.  He took care of me when I had knee surgery, bursitis, torn mcl, torn quad tendon, and all the other stupid shit that has happened to my body over the years.  He works with Dr. Levy who is arguably the best sports doc in Canada.  The pair of them have kept me training and competing over the years. 

Anyway.... I called the office up Friday at.noon and they could squeeze me in right away.  My work was cool with me leaving an hour or two early to get it checked out.  They are really supportive and I really appreciate that.  I headed right over, driving pretty much exclusively with my right arm and got to jump right in to be assessed.

After a bunch of poking proding, lifting, pushing, pulling and a few yelps and ouches, and lots of incomprehensible note scribbling he came to a few conclusions.

1.  Torn labrum
2. Torn rotator cuff
3.  Torn muscle who's name I can remember that does the lifting of your arm when it's straight out sideways.
4.  Incredibly instable shoulder.

Having not had a lot of shoulder injuries in the past, the gravity of this list of diagnosises was unclear to me.  So I flat out asked him "how bad is this, should I train and or compete with it". The look on his face said "are you insane?" And his answer was equally lacking in confidence.  "If you can keep it from moving into any of the "dislocation positions" aka kimura, Americana, arm out straight, and pretty much any position other then my arm close to my body with any pressure on it.  Followed by "it will dislocate and absolutely require surgery that has a very long recovery if that happens". 

.....Damn....

Before the appointment, my shoulder hadn't felt toooo bad, I think because I'd been not using it at all.   I mean, dressing sucked, especially bras,  but I think I'd been managing to just not use it and avoid agrevating it because after the assessment it was awful, I've been popping extra strength liquid gel advil like they are candy.  I've upgraded to extra strengt liquid gel Aleve here in Costa mesa. 

I've been trying to figure out what to do with the whole situation.  I've spent probably 800 bucks just on my portion of this trip.  I've used up half of my yearly vacation time, and I have my awesome sponsor redstar Bjj who helped.me out with the registration fee.   There are 10 or 11 Girls in my division, I won't have an opportunity to compete with more then one or two in a division till this time next year.  I have already paid for the training at aoj,  I've bought the atos gi patch and team t-shirt.  I've been training hard, cutting weight and working on my co.conditioning for months for this tournament.  I've got team mates who have helped me train, family and friends who have out up with grumpy, hungry, exhausted, to busy training to be a good sister/daughter/friend.  Co-workers who have been so supportive and accommodating to my stupid diet restrictions. 

On the other side.... I can't even get my.sports bras on without Tearing up, I haven't trained in 3 weeks,  I can't even close the trunk of our rental car with my arm.   I can't close a door behind me, I can't take my phone out of my back pocket. I can't lift my arm above 90 degrees when it is out sideways.  Every moment I live is agony.  (yea, if you can name where that's from you are as a big a nerd as I am, everyone I'm this hotel room will know instantly I am sure).  As it stands, I might need.surgery, but not a terrible one. If it gets any strain, then it will likely need a major surgery that will likely leave me off the mats for a year.  

We went to open mat at aoj this morning.  The plan was to see if I could do some technique drilling and test it out bit.   I can't even SLR and berimbolo because I can't even maintain a grip on a belt or sleeve.  I can't hug an arm to my body to armbar,  I can't do shit with that arm.  Not only can I not use it, just trying to avoid it makes me tense it and whatnot which makes it hurt even more. 

I know the saying is that if you are 100% going into a fight, you didn't train hard enough.  As someone who has been a competitor since I was a teenager, I know this is pretty much true.  I've gone into competitions and fights at less then 100%, its a rare thing to be 100%.  But, there is a difference between not being 100% and having a useless arm that you'd be better off not having at all. At least, if the arm was go.e, I wouldn't try to use it and end up dislocating destroying and completely ruining it.   How can I preform and represent my team well without having trained for 3 weeks, trying to protect my arm, while also trying to win a fight, when I cannot do any jiu jitsu with it.

I CANNOT. 

I've had a few cries since last weekend thinking about this.   I had a mental breakdown last weekend because I was so stressed out about what to do and that was before I had the diagnosis of doom. 

It kills me to have to have been off the mats the last 3 weeks,  to have the 3 guys rolling with guys like the miyao brothers, that guy from the kumite, and other awesome purple brown and black belts.   It kills me to have wasted probably 1000 bucks, not all of it my own.  It kills me to not compete.  I'm fighting tears as I type this. 

I can't imagine how disappointed everyone is that I am pussying out and not competing.   I will likely have to withdrawl from the five grappling event ad well. I can't imagine this is going to be sorted out before then.  

I'm sorry to you all. I don't even know for certain this is the right decision. Normally I don't worry about future Patricia, but this is current Patricia and future patricias problem and hopefully I can get future Patricia back on the mats without needing surgery and without being out for a year or more. 

I will be going back to see Ruddy and Dr. Levy as soon as we get back from California to get a prescription for some diagnostic imaging to confirm the diagnosis, and see the extent of the damage and make a game plan for my recovery. 

I'm sorry.